WHAT I WANT TO SAY TO YOU.

2011-10-14T03:14:00.001-07:00

Why I don't know what to say to you.

2011-10-12T03:58:00.000-07:00

We are unlike stars.

They glow and bulge with institutional memory, spun into life by rotational planets.
We have our hands, we have our feet, we have each new and naked torso, pressed against our teeth and up against the wall. We have each other.
Each of these things are as foreign as the next minute of our lives.
We have not done this before : we don't know what's best.

A dull roar.

2011-10-11T03:56:00.001-07:00

(THIS IS OVER.)

THIS DAY LAST YEAR.

2011-08-19T00:55:00.000-07:00

Living alone.

2011-08-17T09:30:00.000-07:00

And I can’t sleep when you are not here, which is strange. What is stranger is that I can’t get tired. I am actually blaming all of this on planetary alignment. It turns out that you are a planet- when you realign yourself my seasons change.

I am wide awake, I am watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I am paralysed.

2011-07-21T09:56:00.000-07:00

I SHOULD BE WILD, AND UNTAMED.

TAKE MY ADVICE I DON’T USE IT ANYWAY (Part infinity.)

2011-07-12T09:49:00.001-07:00

I used to work with a girl called Tammy Croucher, who is fearless. She writes the blog The Obnoxious Owl, which is a world away from this blog because a) she talks about sex a lot, whilst I fear my body, and b) people read it. I Love it.

My favourite part of the blog is when she gives us troops some advice. I decided to directly rip off her idea, because giving advice is something I am DEFINITELY qualified to do. You should probably listen up.

TAKE MY ADVICE I DON’T USE IT ANYWAY (Part infinity.)

1) BE AWESOME.

There are plenty of ways to achieve this. The first way if obviously to wear a cape, or hold a tiny cape bundled up in your hand when you ride the bus if you are scared of doing that. Even if no one else does, you know you’ll be flying.

2) CARBOHYDRATES.

Can you believe that there are people in the world whom go through their whole lives denying themselves bread and cakes?! Because maybe a boy or girl might notice them if they are a bit skinnier, or don’t have a sandwich in their mouth all of the time? I can’t believe this. If someone if not worth having cupcakes with, they are not worth dating.

3) WEAR YOUR HEART ON YOUR SLEEVE. OR THE INTERNET. OR GET A SLEEVE TATTOO DEPICTING YOUR HEART AND THEN UPLOAD A PHOTO OF IT TO THE INTERNET.

Write about it, cry about it, sing about it, send declarations of love via text message from the floor of Amplifier bar (where one day you will stop going, you swear), and mean every word of it. We are made of rushing feelings. Let your mascara run over them. Tear your stockings on them. Let them shine.

4) MAKE OUT WITH ME.

5) FIND YOUR SPIRIT ANIMAL AND CHILL OUT WITH IT FOR A WHILE.

It has been there all along and is sad you have not noticed it. It wants you to be wild and march boldly ahead! It probably wants you to climb a tree. It wants to chat about life and stuff, and it wants to share your breakfast. Being alone is not always being alone. Your spirit animal is always there. Mine is a deer, and yours is probably a unicorn. I am serious about this.

6) NO ONE IS BETTER THAN YOU.

This is a real and true thing. Don’t let the haters keep you off your grind.

They can not control what is inside us : it spills out with wings and vigour.

2011-06-30T05:22:00.000-07:00

I can't speak so good somedays.

Deep healing.

2011-06-24T12:05:00.000-07:00

LTLYM Task 40
HEAL YOURSELF.
Step 1) Take a deep breath, gather some shiny things (crystals are a good option, as they emit magic and light, but if I am being honest, I would say any shiny thing would do. Alfoil. Old necklaces. Go crazy!)
Step 2) Place as many lights as you own in one room. Candles promote bonus healing.
Step 3) Make sure that you are playing a song that makes you sad, but not in a way you can express with tears or your hands.
Step 5) Collect an animal. I chose to collect two. They are mainly there for comfort, but it is important that you kiss them on the head. I worry about this sometimes as I do not want them to think that I feel powerful over them, because no one can control something wild, and we are all wild.
Step 6) Move around with the objects you have. Light is an object. Remember this is a step, not a rule, so you can do it however you please. Movement is important, and so is touch. Touch everything you can because it makes you real.
Step 7) Wear something you love, and bless you if that is your own skin.
Step 8) Share this all. You may make noises, don't worry. You may not share this process with anyone for a while, or you may do it straight away. When you do, you will know that you are not scared anymore, and then you will know that you are healed.

Note: There will be tears.

Learning To Love You More (yes, still learning, learning, always learning.)

2011-06-24T04:09:00.000-07:00

TASK NUMBER TEN.

Make a flier of your day.

To say that this is a flier that describes my whole day is unfair. I went for a walk in the hectic wind, made a salad and did a load of washing after I made this flier. I felt immediately better for completing real world tasks.

PS. I learned to love myself more a whole bunch of times on my old blog, but thinking about that makes me tired. This one was a dreg of a task. That turned out not to be a dreg. HEY YOU. Look again.

Man, I am actually going to die alone.

2011-06-24T02:31:00.000-07:00

I narrate my life in my head everyday as I walk around. It is in third person, kind of like I am dead and I am narrating the life of someone who is not me. I feel real emotions, all of the time, too much, but the fact is my angel narrator feels them more. She over analyses. She makes things far, far more complex than they actually are, all of the time.

She also feels the frequent need to become involved in other people's lives. I will be trying to choose a bottle of wine, and I will be struggling because I get drunk more than what is socially acceptable, but knowing close to nothing about wine, I feel lost and sore in bottle shops. There will be two men next to me, one whom will have a voice that I think I could let envelope me, but whom is wearing construction gear which makes me afraid to look at him.

Construction comfort voice and his friend will be trying to choose wine, I will be paralysed, and my narrator will be cheering them on. 'You need something basic for a first date', she will say, 'something basic that won't make her vomit, or let on to the fact that you totally googled 'good date wine' on your I Phone before you came here. Get some Merlot. Everyone can drink Merlot, even when they are just pretending and actually hate it. ACTUALLY. You should get some champagne. It will totally get you laid.'

My narrator can really not be tamed. Being the sport she is, however, she will then direct her attention back to me: 'She picked up the cheapest bottle of whatever was white, and didn't have a font she detested. Flicking a glance at the man standing next to her, who could be cute if he was not in the construction field, she paid for the bottle and strode out with a triumphant kick. She was in her favourite shoes. They were ugly, but they had a stack heel and made her feel like she was the stompy yet sexy hero in some 90s slacker film. Sure she was going home to drink this bottle of wine alone, but only because she did not need anyone to share it with to enjoy it. She was alone. But she was alive.'

OH GOD ANGEL NARRATOR, THIS RULES! THIS IS AMAZING! I AM NOW HAVING A REALLY GREAT DAY! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW? PLAY A WICKED ANTHEM?

She will. But it will always be this.

Miranda July. Again.

2011-06-15T23:40:00.000-07:00

On the weekend I flew to Sydney in order to hear Miranda July speak. I think I got this opportunity, as I am clearly a reverse oracle. I put it to the universe that I felt inspired and freed by her work as I will never cross paths with her. I was so certain of this, that I told my video camera, who told this here blog. I knew reverse psychology worked, but I was not so certain that it was powerful with the universe on a whole, and all of its spirit animals. Turns out I underestimate too many things, too much of the time.

Anyway, meeting one of your heroes is a funny thing. You cry and notice what shoes they are wearing and then you shake uncontrollably for a few minutes when they touch your arm. You take every word they say and tie it up with rope, and then you swallow it, and it gives you indigestion but that is OK because you don't ever what to forget that it is inside you anyway. She said 'Are you a writer?' and she said 'Really, life is horrific.' and she said 'STOP. TIME!' and she said 'Kate.' I don't think she would be able to remember any of the words that I said, but I know that I said 'This is a bit silly.' at least three times, which is not something I think I have ever said before and have certainly not said after last Sunday.

I have been really lonely since then, but I think that has nothing at all to do with Miranda July and more to do with my general paranoia that no one wants to be my actual friend. It is 3pm and I am still in bed, so I don't think I am helping myself break through this in anyway, but I can't help but sit here and feel poorly, and that life is actually horrific.

How I feel like I do not have any friends, except maybe the internet and definitely ache.

2011-06-15T04:31:00.000-07:00

I feel a giant, bouldering weight upon my neck some days and today is one of those days.

SUMMERTIME GIRLS GOT IT GOIN ON

2011-06-14T07:03:00.000-07:00

STAR STRUCK #1

2011-05-31T09:31:00.000-07:00

I have decided to pre record responses for if I ever do get to meet my heroes. I don't generally know how to talk like a human, so I think if the actual thing happened there would be less words and more uncontrolled fits of crying. Sometimes the crying happens alone, without the actual thing. These are the first words that pop into my head before the tears start.
They are uncensored, one take just like the real deal. They are not really meant to be anything, but I know at one point I will rewatch these and I will cringe and I will hate myself.
Also I guess that sometimes I get scared about the tiny planet we are on, the thought that the people these are destined for are never likely to see them is something nice to rest my head on.
HI MIRANDA JULY. This stalker vid is for you.

You will meet one someday.

2011-05-31T04:34:00.000-07:00

I bet you don't believe in magic cats. But they exist. They only come out of the woodwork when the night is temperate, and you have nothing left to prove. There is a thirteen story building just down the street and you are fairly certain that no one would notice you climb that building.

It is around this point in time that you will see a magic cat. She will always be a she. She will be grey and she will look like a cat you have known in your past. She will mew and she will hold on to you like no one else has ever done.

2011-05-30T03:12:00.001-07:00

Now I would like to talk to you.

2011-05-30T02:59:00.000-07:00

I am not sure why, but I am going to start talking to you on the internet.

Into the abyss.

2011-05-30T02:55:00.000-07:00

Miranda July asked if she could see our long term inanimate best friends as they crawl after us when we trip up, or, as I tend to do instead, fall in a heap.
For someone I have never met, I quite like her so I did just this.

This is Big Ted. He was waiting for me on the table next to my mother as she birthed me. He knows all my secrets and would follow me into the dark.

Ghosts of boyfriends past?

2009-09-14T09:37:00.000-07:00

You have ghosts in your lungs, I taste them when we kiss.

Cheat.

2009-09-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

Your eyes spun like planets, even with those sunglasses: just orbiting around my face reminding me of your absurd gravitational pull.

Since we stopped talking.

2009-09-10T08:45:00.000-07:00

My teeth chatter when I see you; I clench them all together so you can't hear what they're saying.

Whales.

2009-09-10T08:44:00.000-07:00

When you cry you cry in sonar: sad whale songs calling through my drainpipes.